Lehman Brothers Ebay Auction - History in the Making
Ebay took down the auction Monday morning (I guess they don't work weekends). Need a shorter link to this page? Try using http://turl.ca/lehman
Some person put Lehman Brothers up as a (presumably) fake auction on Ebay. Now of course, people try to sell all sorts of worthless junk on Ebay, so I guess this isn't much different.
But the Questions and Answers posted are hilarious, so here they are, nice and archived forever.
Ebay - Lehman Brothers Auction Questions & Answers:
| Q: | Since I live in New York, will you waive the shipping charge? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | OK but just this once | |
| Q: | Reichsmarks accepted if I win the bid? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | Ja, but only if transportable in wheel barrows. | |
| Q: | Should I be the successful bidder, can you guarantee that all the corporate hottie, can't type, can't spell, oh, um, "personal assistants" will be retained for the new administration? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | if you have to ask .... you are not a serious buyer | |
| Q: | What will you accept as collateral? I have Enron Class C paper and several reams of Washington Mutual letterhead. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | now your talking --- Q. where is Enron paper traded? | |
| Q: | Can I demote the CEO to a janitor after I make this purchase? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | we expect you will be working along side him. | |
| Q: | Does it come with that life sized inflatable punch bag of Alan Greenspan | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | Yes and if you act now we'll throw in an inflatable Bernanke and Paulson | |
| Q: | How many years do you allow for payment if using the PayPal Easy Monthly Payment Plan? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | Best offer gets this puppy.. you can do better than that. | |
| Q: | My office is across the hall from a Lehman branch. There is a cute blonde receptionist by the name of Halley that works there. Is she included in this sale? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | This would be a separate transaction between you and Halley, however as the prestigious owner of an investment bank ... you have the wind at your back | |
| Q: | My mother says she'll send you a note promising to send you my allowance for the next three years- would this be acceptable payment? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | please send info on your mother asap | |
| Q: | Will you toss AIG in with it as a bonus item? Will the Federal Reserve help with the auction fees? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | AIG = All Is Good ... of course.. though we do not own them. Reserve no can do | |
| Q: | If I buy this and it all goes bad, will the Federal Reserve give me unlimited funds to make it all better? How much dummy spitting would I need to do? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | not this time a lot | |
| Q: | Can I pay with shares of WAMU or AIG? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | no .. we don't have time to look at their book(s)(s) | |
| Q: | How about the toxic mortgage securities and all of the debt? Is that included? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | duh | |
| Q: | Will I still be expected to pay executives large performance bonuses, or have they already taken all the money? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | Yes to both questions | |
| Q: | I'm a little short on cash right now, would you be willing to finance my purchase? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | we are considering a COO right now (see earlier response) you can be asst. COO | |
| Q: | Does it come with any pie? I like Pie. 87 peices please. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | yea | |
| Q: | Does this auction include the corporate yatch? Corporate jet? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | and the corporate T shirts mugs, pens etc. | |
| Q: | Does Dick Fuld come with this lot and, if so, will come with options? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | Dick is available though you will have to negotiate with him. at this point we have no options.. (chapter 11) | |
| Q: | Can I forcibly eject the current home owners? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | the rats have already left the bldg. | |
| Q: | If I purchase LEH, can I use my '78 Chevy Nova (currently on blocks) for collateral (a few $B) at the Fed begging window? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | see earlier comments -- doesn't Nova mean no go? |
| Q: | What if I want just one of the brothers -- do I get my choice of which brother? I want the one who's all bullish. The bearish one scares me. Also, do you accept Paypal? Merrill Lynch stock certificates? IOUs? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | as is all brothers included as well as Fernando valley N. of 101 | ||
| Q: | Will the seller accept payment in the form of a post dated check, some level 3 assets i valued myself at 1 billion, and a promisary note? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | hmmmmm. | ||
| Q: | can i take this thing out back and shoot it if i win the bid? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | once you buy --- it's your Ol' Yeller | ||
| Q: | Has the State of Alaska made any offers on the item yet? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | it has been earmarked | ||
| Q: | Can you take Visa or do you prefer paypal? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | priceless.. | ||
| Q: | I'm ready to bid, can I look at the books first? How many sets of books are there? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | there is one set of books you snide buyer. However books are for losers | ||
| Q: | Will you be willing to accept a stock swap as part of the purchase price? I have tons of Freddie Mac common stock shares to throw in, if you would only value them at, say, 1/2 of what they were worth a few months ago... | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | sorry, cash , money order, or equivalent value in time shares are what we're looking at at the moment | ||
| Q: | Will I have more houses than McCain if I win this bid? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | more houses, more wives, more votes, more fun, more zeal, more Palins | ||
| Q: | If you end the auction early I will refinance my house and pull out my equity to pay you cash. Then I will just foreclose on my house so I don't have to pay anything for it. | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | Your application for COO is being currently considered | ||
| Q: | is any Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac stock included or are they so worthless it is not a consideration????????? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | ? | ||
| Q: | is any Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac stock included or are they so worthless it is not a consideration????????? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | you tell me mr. smartie | ||
| Q: | Could you ship everything/everyone to Zimbabwe? They could really use their expertise in money matters. - Do you accept Paypal? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | send check or money order (ZWB) to Mr. Mugabe | ||
| Q: | How many brothers, exactly, are we bidding on? If I buy Merrill Lynch too will you combine shipping? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | shipping is not included | ||
| Q: | Hi, I am interested, do you have photos of those properties? Dick Flud is included in the package too? Is paypal accepted? :-) Thanks, Dimond | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | hell we never had the photos Dick is on sick leave Pay pal, credit pal, swap pal ... whatever turns you on. | ||
| Q: | Hello Lehman Brothers, I was wondering, I just received $25,000,000,000.00 of the U.S. Taxpayer's money via the FEDERAL Government to do an INDIRECT BAILOUT... Shsssh! Is this BAILOUT OFFER PRICE Acceptable, since I know the U.S. Greenback is becoming worthless to Americans and the World? Thanx, Ron Paul | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | Ron, We appreciate your offer, but this is only offered to idiots at the moment | ||
| Q: | I assume I can use my LEH stock as a down payment. | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | you bet | ||
| Q: | What a great deal if it includes the paperclips. When will you be listing Washingtom Mutual, and Wachovia? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | actually we hope to offering the S&P 500 in 09 | ||
| Q: | 1) If I buy this with my eBay Mastercard and default on the payment, will the Fed bail out eBay? 2) I see I only get $200 of buyer protection from you. Can you recommend a bank that will provide an eBay default swap that will insure me if you don't deliver? Thanks | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | Fed's busy with other bailouts at the moment. We may only be worth $200 at this point | ||
| Q: | I assume I can use my LEH stock as a down payment. | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: | sure .. that's how we built this ship | ||
| Q: | i would like to bid 44billion and 1 cent more than B of A offer for merryl lynch but ebay said my ofer os too big. Do you have a buy it now price? | Sep-14-08 | |
| A: |
at this point it's buy it please
|
| Question & Answer | Answered On | |
| Q: | May I a make a deposit on the transaction with viable sperm? This can be collateralized at the FED as of today, thank you. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | wrong bank | |
| Q: | Will I be able to write this purchase off my taxes, or will I have to register as a Republican first? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | both | |
| Q: | Can I pay in Canadian Tire Money? How about a post dated Zimbabwe Currency cheque? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | We need to check with our accountants at Anderson about this | |
| Q: | is it a good idea to kiss on the first date??? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | depends on who you are kissing | |
| Q: | Does this acution include all Lehman's CDOs and other mortgage paper? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | and their liabilities...as said this is as is. | |
| Q: | Yes, I would like to buy Lehman Bros. Will you take a two-party, out-of-state check? I do have a 100 percent Ebay feedback rating and a 740 FICO score. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | sure... | |
| Q: | Did Sarah Palin put you up to this? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | no but Willow and Trac were involved in due diligence | |
| Q: | Will you gaurantee your bad paper?I only want your assets. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | talk to your senator | |
| Q: | What is your position on value derivatives? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | your guess is as good as ours hat's why we are motivated sellers at this point | |
| Q: | Will I get to hang around an watch or will I have to help the bk movers. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | It's your choice | |
| Q: | I was wondering if you had any other items like this. I'm looking for something with more real estate locations on the west coast. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | Please see ML,BK, BA, and then look overseas where most of this junk was resold :) | |
| Q: | Although Lehman is headquartered in NY since they do have operations in Florida and I reside in Florida do I have to pay the 7% Florida Sales Tax? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | the sale includes putative advice | |
| Q: | Is transfer of staff included in this package? I only ask as I don't think I could justify paying incredibly inflated salaries. | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | sure you can ... we did it | |
| Q: | Can you please include a picture of the Lehman Brothers building I will be acquiring? | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | at this point we are not sure we own the buildng | |
| Q: | Would you be willing to ship to Canada? How about the properties? Will that be a problem? :) | Sep-14-08 |
| A: | shipping is not included. As for real estate we are not exactly sure what we own.
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